When it comes to our emotions, we often react instead of responding. We let our emotions get the best of us, and before we know it, we've said or done something that we later regret. We are not always conscious of our actions. This can be a problem in our personal lives, as well as in our professional lives. In this discussion, we will discuss self-regulation so that you can control your emotions and behavior so you can respond instead of reacting.
When we're in the moment of our reactive emotions, it can be challenging to think clearly and make rational decisions. This is because our emotions are designed to override our logical brains. They are there to protect us and keep us safe, and they do this by hijacking our logic and reason.
However, this doesn't mean that we have to be a victim of our emotions.
We can learn to self-regulate so that we can control our behavior.
It's not enough to notice and understand the triggers for your emotions.
For example, it's great that you're aware of why your anger is triggered, but do you possess the self-discipline and abilities to:
Control your behavior?
Avoid reacting?
Make good decisions?
Know when to take a time out?
There are two types of self-regulation:
Emotional self-regulation. The ability to practice self-control or manage your emotions.
Behavioral self-regulation. The ability to practice self-control, including making decisions and reacting according to your values.
Self-awareness is the first step to self-regulation. For the context of this discussion, we will define self-regulation as the ability to choose your emotional or behavioral response.
Self-regulation requires you to be aware of your emotions as they are happening in the moment. This means that you have to be able to recognize when you're feeling something and then understand what that feeling is so that you can develop emotional intelligence and learn to identify your emotions.
You can't regulate something if you're not aware of it.
The second step is to understand why you're feeling that emotion. This is where your values come in.
Your values are the things that matter most to you. They are what guide your decisions and actions. When you know your values, you can use them to help you make decisions about how to respond to your emotions.
For example, let's say you get angry when someone cuts you off in traffic. You might have the urge to scream and honk your horn. However, if one of your values is to be kind, then you would know that yelling and honking your horn is not aligned with that value. You would be more likely to respond according to your value of kindness.
The third step is to practice self-control. This is where you choose how you will respond to your emotions.
You might be feeling angry, but you don't have to react in anger. You can make a choice to take a deep breath and count to ten. You can choose to take a time out from the situation. You can decide to do something that will help you calm down.
The fourth and final step is to monitor your progress. This is where you check in with yourself to see how well you're doing at self-regulating.
Are you still reacting to your emotions, or are you responding?
Are you making decisions that are aligned with your values?
If you're not happy with the results, go back to the previous steps and keep working on them.
"If we lack emotional intelligence, whenever stress rises, the human brain switches to autopilot and has an inherent tendency to do more of the same, only harder. Which, more often than not, is precisely the wrong approach in today's world."
- Robert K. Cooper
LET'S LOOK AT A FEW EXAMPLES OF POOR SELF-REGULATION:
-You're at work, and you get a call from your partner or child that they're sick. You immediately start to worry and feel anxious. Your heart starts racing, and you can't focus on your work. So you start to panic.
-You're out with friends and see someone you had a falling out with. They give you a dirty look. You immediately start to feel angry, and you tell them off.
-You're at a meeting, you hear something said you do not like. You start to feel nervous and agitated, and you abruptly leave the meeting.
IN EACH OF THESE EXAMPLES, THE PERSON IS NOT CHOOSING TO RESPOND. THEY ARE REACTING BASED ON THEIR EMOTIONS. THIS IS WHERE SELF-REGULATION COMES IN.
There are a few things that you can do to start self-regulating your emotions:
Recognize when you're starting to feel emotional. Remember becoming aware is the first step in being able to self-regulate. If you can recognize when you're starting to feel emotional, you can then begin to take steps to control your emotions.
Identify your emotions. Once you're aware of your emotions, the next step is to identify them.
What are you feeling? Is it anger, anxiety, sadness, or something else?
Understand why you're feeling that emotion.
What is causing you to feel that emotion?
When you can identify the cause of your emotions, you can then begin to control them.
- Take a time out and assess the situation. Once you've recognized that you're feeling emotional, it's important to take a step back and evaluate the situation.
ASK YOURSELF THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS TO PROCESS:
What is the best way to deal with this emotion?
How will my reaction affect the situation?
What are the potential consequences of my actions?
- Breathe. This may seem like a simple step, but it can be very effective. When we're feeling emotional, our breathing becomes shallow and rapid. By taking a few deep breaths, you can start to calm yourself down and regain control.
HERE IS A BREATHING EXERCISE:
Inhale slowly for a count of four.
Hold your breath for a count of four.
Exhale slowly for a count of four.
Repeat this several times until you feel yourself starting to relax.
- Practice positive self-talk. Our thoughts have a powerful impact on our emotions. If we're constantly telling ourselves that we're not good enough or can't do something, our emotions will reflect that. However, if we use positive self-talk, we can start to change our emotions.
HERE ARE SOME WAYS TO PRACTICE POSITIVE SELF-TALK:
• I am capable of handling this situation.
• I am strong enough to get through this.
• I can do this.
• I am calm and in control.
These are just a few examples, but you can tailor your positive self-talk to whatever situation or circumstance.
The most important thing is to believe what you're saying.
- Practice visualization. A visualization process is a powerful tool that can help calm our emotions. When we visualize ourselves in a calm and peaceful place, our emotions will follow suit.
HERE IS AN EXAMPLE OF A VISUALIZATION PROCESS:
Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths.
Imagine yourself in a peaceful place. It can be anywhere you want – a beach, the mountains, etc.
Take in all of the details around you—the sights, sounds, smells, etc.
Allow yourself to relax and feel at peace.
- Find an outlet for your emotions. Once you've started to calm down, it's important to find an outlet for your emotions.
Here are some outlets to learn how to manage your emotions and behaviors:
Meditation. Meditation is a powerful tool with many benefits. One of the greatest benefits that meditation has to offer is the ability to self-regulate and provide self-awareness. Meditation requires monitoring yourself and returning your attention to a focal point.
Mindfulness. Mindfulness is non-judgmental awareness. Mindfulness is a pathway to seeing life as it is. You're staying in the moment and maintaining an awareness of your emotional state. It provides a way to observe your emotions without becoming too involved.
Journaling. Journaling is a great way to process your emotions and get them out of your head. It can be helpful to write down how you're feeling and why you're feeling that way. This can help you understand your emotions better and figure out how to deal with them.
Go for a walk. Sometimes, the best way to deal with your emotions is simply getting out of the house and going for a walk. Walking can help to clear your head and give you some time to think about how you're feeling.
Talk to a friend. Talking to a friend can be a great way to process your emotions. It can help to have someone to talk to who will understand and be there for you.
-Finally, once you have self-regulated your emotions, it is safe to respond to the situation.
So now it is time to choose.
Choose how you will respond to your emotions. This is where you decide what you will do in response to your emotions.
Will you react or respond?
Reacting is when you let your emotions control your behavior.
Responding is when you choose how you will behave, despite your emotions.
Remember, you don't have to react to your emotions. You can choose to respond in a way that aligns with your values.
Self-regulating your emotions and behaviors is a skill that takes practice. However, it is a skill that is well worth developing. By learning to self-regulate, you can control your behavior and respond instead of reacting. This can have a positive impact on all areas of your life.
Personal development is an important journey, and emotions play a significant role. Learning to self-regulate your emotions and behavior is a vital part of that journey.
The journey of personal development is like a rodeo. At first, you're just trying to stay on the horse. You're learning how to control it and make it go where you want. Then, you start to get better and better at it. You learn how to ride the horse and steer it in the direction you want. Finally, you become a master of the horse. You can control it and make it go where you want when you want.
The same is true for emotions. At first, they seem like this wild, uncontrollable thing. But with time and practice, you can learn to control your emotions and respond instead of reacting. So don't give up, keep practicing, and you'll get there.
By implementing these steps and strategies, you can start to self-regulate your emotions and behaviors. Remember, it takes practice and patience. But if you're persistent, you can see the results are rewarding.
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